NIDDSC Guide To Bedding Anyone In Two Hours

You, yes you can get anyone into bed with my simple three-step E-z-lay Programme. A claim like that had better be followed up with some really hot shite information - right? Well, bucko, the problem isn't the information - the trouble is you.

If you believe you can't get anyone into bed within two hours, there's nada I can do to help. The truth is that legs part when you adopt a sneaky not-taking-no-for-an-answer approach that any half-drunk person cannot ignore.

No rape or gangbanging here; we're talking fully consentual sex obtained through subtle psychology. You may get laid because you're a pathetic bag of manipulative bullshit, but at least you will get laid.

Gals have little trouble knobbing their dream partner: we just flash our tits and score. Things can go awry - like when a girlie chats up a looker and attracts his ugly, fat sidekick who sticks to her like a magnet.

Remember, obeying the rules - letting the man make the move - takes forever. But unfortunately many shy girls haven't the balls to snag a shag. These coital cowards often score at parties where they go wild, wake up with Mr Dogbreath and blame it on drink. Some of us can't face the fact we actually like sex. Sad really.

For the ultimate quickie, you gotta ambush your target. Whispering: "Wanna shag?" (and meaning it) will get you laid so fast your gusset won't know what hit it. For a more lengthy seduction, blow hot and cold at 00:05. Be rude at 00:10. Be coy at 00:15. At 00:30, touch him as you speak, stroke your hair and gaze directly into his bloodshot eyes.

Laugh at his jokes at precisely 01:00. Listen attentively and occasionally insult him at 01:15. Flash an item of lingerie (if you're wearing any) at 01:30 and you will definitely be snogging by 01:45. The last quarter of an hour will require a smile and a condom.

But what about the sea of unreleased testosterone that's creaming its collective pants to get stuck in? (That's you, guys). To bust the "No! It couldn't happen to me!" barrier, let me tell you that hot and heavy sex-sex-sex happens all the time, all over the place, to ordinary bloke.

You don't know how many times I've seen four legs tremble in a restaurant loo - knicker-hobbled pumps bravely taking the thrust of a pair of trainers exactly like the ones you're wearing right now.

You don't have to be panty-droppingly attractive, have a flash car, flat and chilled brewskis sitting in the fridge (although that would really work for me). You merely need to convince girls that although you are fascinating, desirable and fanny-numbingly spectacular in bed, you don't want sex.

Lesson 1

Women love sexy bastards who don't want them. It isn't healthy and it isn't right, but bastards get bonked while nice guys get married. Repeat to yourself: "I'm too good for all of 'em!" Aggressive women adore chasing insensitive men and fucking them to oblivion. They do it for sport, so it'll be 45 minutes max before you reach the happy humping ground.

Lesson 2

Women love troubled guys - think James Dean, Marlon Brando and the Gallaghers. Bad posture and a tendency to mumble are misinterpreted by girls as profundity and existential angst. This shit turns women on. So when a perky-breasted bint asks you a loaded question, like "What time is it?", reply with a tortured look (practise in a mirror) and a cynical response: "Time? What's time when we're doomed?" Then mumble: "Annywa, ay don havva watsh".

Remember, you're an artistic misfit who is so deeply isolated and troubled that only physical contact (intercourse) can save you from yourself (masturbation). Within 30 minutes you'll be enjoying a skilled blowjob.

Lesson 3

Women love guys who listen. First, locate your target (it's best if she's already talkig her ass off) and praise something of her person. Once she's talking, your mind can drift to football or whatever, but train your eyes on her mouth and eyes so she feels your undivided attention.

She'll be so grateful, she'll shag you senseless within 90 minutes. You'll need earplugs because this broad is game but only stops talking if her yap is filled.

In Summary ...

The bottom line to quick sex is not to let on you'd sell your grannie for a shag. Desperate isn't sexy and needy's not a turn on. Remember - all you've got to lose is your celibacy.

If you're a woman who'd like to have this technique demonstrated on her, please contact the author of the Web site, and CEO of the NIDDSC, by clicking on the link below. Cheers!